I have an eating disorder.
I’ve struggled with bulimia and mild anorexia since I was 13. I’ve always had low self-esteem and hated the way I looked, yet have always been told that I seem extremely confident. It sounds so weird writing this down for the world to see, but I have always wanted to tell my story in the hopes that I could give some inspiration to those with the same thoughts and feelings.
When I was a sophomore in high school my ED was at its worst. I threw up everything. Apples, cereal, donuts, salad… you name it, I puked it. Throwing up was my escape, a way for me to be in control. And I saw changes! I weighed 115 pounds at my lowest. I went to tanning beds, highlighted my hair and wore brighter blue contacts to try to “enhance” my looks. I never looked good in my own eyes.
Junior year I began dating Ryan. Ryan was struggling with his own addiction and we made a pact to give them both up for each other. We dated for three years and I didn’t throw up once. I gained weight but wasn’t unhappy because I was loved for who I was. Our relationship began to go downhill in college, I stopped trusting him because I’d caught him in a ton of lies and he resented me because I was a controlling bitch (for lack of a better term). We broke up our sophomore year of college and I began hanging out with great friends and loving life.
I moved from Florida to North Carolina when I was 21 I weighed 160 pounds and hated the way I looked. When I met Zack, my now husband, I was shocked at how seamless our relationship was. He was amazing. Sweet, sexy and a hard worker. About a month into our relationship, things started getting pretty crazy. I don’t want to go off on a tangent about this, (I’ll save that for its own post), but let’s just say certain people intervened in my happiness and I started a huge decline back towards my old self.
I started throwing up again. I don’t know if you know this, but bulimia can cause depression because it doesn’t allow endorphins to be released. So in a time in my life when I should’ve been the happiest, I was depressed, throwing up everything, never feeing good enough and always comparing myself to others. It took one huge, life-changing ordeal to turn my life around. I sought help, I called my grandma and told her I’d been lying to her. I didn’t lose those 20 pounds from dieting, I lost them from vomiting. I was always crying, always mad, I was the definition of an
I went to a therapist and a doctor, was prescribed anti-depressants and immediately saw changes. My relationship and mood did a total 180. I was genuinely happy to start each day and plan the future. I made career and relationship goals for myself. Zack and I got engaged, then married, then we bought a house.
I now embrace my pale skin (it accentuates my tattoos which I love). I try to accept compliments instead of running away from them like the plague. When I look back at photos from high school, I want to cry. My eyes are empty and always watery (which happens after throwing up). I have struggled with acid reflux for years and have had so many stomach issues from my bulimia. I am in no way cured from my eating disorder (ED). I struggle daily with self-loathing, criticizing myself based on what I eat, etc. My life has been an insane journey and I encourage you to follow me through the ups and downs I’ve yet to endure. I’m sorry if this post is a little scattered! It’s difficult to keep my thoughts straight on this subject. The photo attached is from 2008 when I was at my worst. Thanks for reading!