Bye baby

Nothing prepares you for death. Absolutely nothing. No matter how many people you’ve known that have passed away, it doesn’t make another life lost any easier.

Our baby has no heartbeat. Typing this is killing me. We went in for our first appt today and I’d managed to snag an ultrasound even though it isn’t customary at this point in a pregnancy at that Dr. We went in and the tech took some photos and left the room. The baby wasn’t moving nor did we get to hear a heartbeat. I knew in the pit of my stomach something was wrong- but I’d never have admitted it.

When they came in and told me that my baby had no heartbeat I just couldn’t stay composed. I can’t put into words how I felt and feel. Nothing anybody says can change this feeling. I know how common miscarriages are. I know it happened for a reason. I know I have one healthy child whom I should be thankful for. I know.

But I love this baby more than life itself. The second I saw the positive test I fell in love. I planned for its future. I pictured it with Hudson, I gave it a name and argued about the boy name with its father. A part of me is dead. Literally. I have a dead baby inside of me and I can’t fathom it.

This isn’t supposed to happen to us. We were supposed to see a little baby wiggling around in my tummy and laugh and cry with excitement knowing that in October we would be meeting it.  I cannot wrap my head around this tragedy. I had absolutely no signs pointing toward this.

I don’t know what to say to people who are worried about me. I don’t know what to say to my husband. I don’t know what to say to myself. I feel like I’m in a nightmare and I wish more than anything I could wake up and see my sweet baby moving around and hear it’s sweet heartbeat.

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