Yesterday was three weeks. Three weeks of knowing our baby didn’t make it past its ten week mark in my womb. Three weeks of not knowing what my future would hold. Three weeks of planning for a better future. Of hoping our baby knows how much we cared about it during its short time in my tummy. Three weeks of seeing more pregnancy announcements and genuinely being happy for the soon to be parents.
The three weeks have been chock full of sadness, happiness, hopefulness and hopelessness. Full of planning, making changes, researching and praying. Tons of praying. Praying for strength. Praying for faith.
I’ve come such a long way from who I was when I first found out. I’ve been surprised at how strong I truly am. I haven’t been dwelling on the tragedy. I haven’t been petty or attention-seeking. I have focused my energy into positivity. I’ve focused on Hudson and giving him an amazing first Easter that he will remember. He was only 4 months old when Easter hit last year so we didn’t make a huge hoorah about it. This year I hand painted his basket and got him a bunch of goodies to fill it with. I can’t wait to watch him hunt for eggs!
You learn a lot when you face something you’ve never faced before. You learn to truly appreciate the things you have a lot more. It’s easy and common for people to say they’re thankful, but to actually feel thankful is a new feeling altogether. Since becoming a mom, I’ve found that “love” has taken on a new meaning. I can be down in the dumps and feel like crap but the second I see Hudson I’m immediately better. He makes me laugh daily and makes me smile every time I think of him. I constantly find myself looking at his picture just because I miss him.
I’ve used this tragedy as a way to look at my life and the bigger picture. As a way to turn my thoughts around and not settle. I’m not settling for a mediocre, dead-end job. I won’t do it. I’m going back to school, earning a degree/certification and getting a job that I love and that provides me with what I need.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think about that day three weeks ago. When I hug my sweet Hudson, though, it makes the pain a little lighter.