When?

It’s been 6 months. Six months since we lost our baby. I went back to school and passed with *almost* straight A’s (one B which was literally a point away from an A) and perfect attendance. I got a job at Express Care as a Medical Assistant. I learned how to draw blood and run blood & urine tests. I’ve watched my son grow into such a little boy that it makes me cry all the time (hell, what doesn’t?). I’ve come a long way in 6 months, but there is still so much further to go. 

I am still grieving. I am still obsessing over my weight/appearance. I am still paying off medical bills related to the miscarriage. I am still sad, obsessive & impatient. I am still ME. 

I’ve prayed and prayed for patience. Patience for another pregnancy & understanding that it’ll happen on God’s time. Patience for Hudson’s not so good days, patience for my body, my heart and my mind. Some days I am perfectly fine whereas others I’m a complete mess of emotions. 

I’ve found, in these six months, that I have strength I never knew I had. I’ve excelled in the medical field so far, in that I love what I’m doing and I truly feel I am making a difference. I work long days on my feet and come home to still be a wife and mom and cook/clean/bathe, etc. I love it though. I feel like I not only have a purpose in being Hudson’s mom, but in a career now, too. 

Though so much has changed for the better, sometimes it’s hard not to feel sad for what could’ve been and be scared for what’s to come. Our plan since losing the baby was always to wait until I had a job with benefits so we don’t have to scramble around trying to find insurance while I’m pregnant the next time, like we did the last time. But lately I have felt this pull towards wanting to be pregnant so badly. I know deep down that it isn’t the right time, I am still uninsured and insurance rates are through the roof, BUT I can’t help the yearning I feel. 

As far as the obsessing over my body goes, I came to terms long, long ago that I am never going to be perfect in my own eyes. But it does help to see how well I’m doing in my job, how people react to me as someone who’s helping them (even if I am just triaging them) and how much my son lights up every time he sees me. 

Did you know that you can change SO much, yet sometimes still feel the same? It amazes me how one day I can be okay and the next I feel like the miscarriage just happened and I’m feeling the full weight of it again. I know that God’s timing is always perfect, and when he deems it right, it’ll happen. But it is still SO hard to be patient in knowing that. 

I feel like these posts are always so scattered but I guess it’s because they’re from the heart, which is not always in order these days lol. Stay tuned, I’ll try to start writing more and not always make it about sad things ❤️

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