I got in!!
Right after the miscarriage I decided I would go back to school to become a CNA. I applied, went to the info session and waited a few weeks without hearing anything. Well, on Friday I received a call letting me know that I was accepted into the July class!!
I am so excited. After a month full of heartache and disappointments I finally got some good news that has me looking forward to the future. My plan is to start school in July, finish in September and secure a job as a CNA in a hospital (preferably in the L&D unit) and continue school online to become a RN.
Life is starting to look a little better. I still have my bad moments where I find myself mourning the loss more than others, but I know they’ll be around a lot, especially as I near the due date.
I’m aiming to get pregnant again once I’ve been at my new job for a few months and have insurance and all benefits.
Yesterday was three weeks. Three weeks of knowing our baby didn’t make it past its ten week mark in my womb. Three weeks of not knowing what my future would hold. Three weeks of planning for a better future. Of hoping our baby knows how much we cared about it during its short time in my tummy. Three weeks of seeing more pregnancy announcements and genuinely being happy for the soon to be parents.
The three weeks have been chock full of sadness, happiness, hopefulness and hopelessness. Full of planning, making changes, researching and praying. Tons of praying. Praying for strength. Praying for faith.
I’ve come such a long way from who I was when I first found out. I’ve been surprised at how strong I truly am. I haven’t been dwelling on the tragedy. I haven’t been petty or attention-seeking. I have focused my energy into positivity. I’ve focused on Hudson and giving him an amazing first Easter that he will remember. He was only 4 months old when Easter hit last year so we didn’t make a huge hoorah about it. This year I hand painted his basket and got him a bunch of goodies to fill it with. I can’t wait to watch him hunt for eggs!
You learn a lot when you face something you’ve never faced before. You learn to truly appreciate the things you have a lot more. It’s easy and common for people to say they’re thankful, but to actually feel thankful is a new feeling altogether. Since becoming a mom, I’ve found that “love” has taken on a new meaning. I can be down in the dumps and feel like crap but the second I see Hudson I’m immediately better. He makes me laugh daily and makes me smile every time I think of him. I constantly find myself looking at his picture just because I miss him.
I’ve used this tragedy as a way to look at my life and the bigger picture. As a way to turn my thoughts around and not settle. I’m not settling for a mediocre, dead-end job. I won’t do it. I’m going back to school, earning a degree/certification and getting a job that I love and that provides me with what I need.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think about that day three weeks ago. When I hug my sweet Hudson, though, it makes the pain a little lighter.
Two weeks ago today we found out our baby had no heartbeat. Tonight, we sat down and planned out our course of action as far as when we want to start trying for another baby. I initially wanted to start right away, but I finally devised a plan that we both agreed on.
Tomorrow I go in for my post op appointment and will ask for some birth control pills to start after my next cycle. After my appointment I’ll go to CTAE and turn in my application, and if it’s accepted (fingers crossed!) I’ll start school in July. It’s a ten week course so I will graduate with my credentials in September. Once I secure a job, I’ll wait the 90 days it takes to get benefits and then we will stop the birth control and start trying for our next baby.
I’m impatient. I’m still sad. I still want two kids close together. But this tragedy has opened my eyes to the fact that things happen. Not everything goes as planned. Life happens. This plan for the next year may not go as we hope, or it may even go better than we could imagine. Regardless, it’s important to set yourself up for the life you want. I want us to be ready for the next baby financially and mentally.
Have you ever attended an event that completely changed your outlook on life? Read a book that made you really think about yourself? Heard a song that resonated with you? Last night I attended an event called Becoming Me which was hosted by one of my friends from college. It was for women and the purpose is to lift women up and they did this by having a few share their stories.
The first story was from Katie Gilligan who I’ve seen on Instagram, etc and only knew as a gorgeous woman who owns an adorable boutique. It was easy for me to assume from her Instagram posts that she is “perfect”. She always looks put together, even with two kids. Last night she shared her story and it was honestly so eye opening. It was raw, honest and messy. She shared things you wouldn’t expect to hear from someone who seems so “perfect”. We all know there is no such thing as a perfect person but it’s easy to compare yourself to others and wonder what they’re doing right that you’re not. Her story really touched me and inspired me to share my story.
I learned from the event and the speakers that even when you don’t feel important, you are. Your story matters. MY story matters. I’ve been abused. I’ve been raped. I’ve felt unloved and looked for it in the wrong places. I’ve done drugs and drank alcohol trying to numb the pain. I’ve had an eating disorder for over 12 years. I’ve hated myself, blamed myself and wished I were someone else. After my miscarriage I have changed. I’ve grown. I don’t want to be the person I’ve been, I want to be better. Sharing my story is the first step in my journey and I can’t wait to see where it takes me.
Tonight I came across the two positive pregnancy tests that I took a couple months ago. I immediately started crying, but then I started thinking of how I felt when I took these and saw the results. It was 2 days before Valentine’s Day and I’d wanted to be pregnant for months to no avail. I remember how excited I felt. How happy I was bc this was what I wanted! I remember that after I’d let it somewhat sink in, the stress started coming in with it. I didn’t have insurance that covered maternity. Could we afford another baby? What if something went wrong? Would Hudson feel less loved with a sibling? The thoughts flooded my mind and led to even worse thoughts such as, “will this baby even know me since I have to rush back to work after I have it?” I beat myself up for not being better prepared for something that I’d wanted for so long.
The weeks went by and we got closer and closer to my first prenatal appointment. The excitement grew bigger and the stress evened out some, but still lingered. As my tummy grew to accommodate the baby, the anticipation of that first ultrasound grew with it. My morning sickness had calmed down and all I could think about was the baby.
We’d talked about names. The girl name picked out, the boy name still up in the air. We were both so excited. We couldn’t wait to have another little one to share our love with.
It’s been 12 days since we found out we lost our baby. 12 days of crying. 12 days of wondering why. Why us? 12 days full of mixed emotions. Full of family. Full of awkward silences when people just don’t know what to say.
I’ve smiled and then wondered if that’s wrong of me. But I know it’s okay. I know I’ll never get over this. But I will get through it. Because I know that it happened for a reason. The timing wasn’t right. I didn’t have any goals for myself as far as a career goes. Now I do. In July I will go to school for 10 weeks to become a CNA.
I want to be pregnant again. I’ve researched it and everyone says something different as far as how long to wait after a miscarriage. I’m definitely not in any rush, but I do want to try again. Nothing will ever replace our angel baby. And I know that my next pregnancy will be full of fear. Full of sadness. Full of doubt. But nonetheless it will be full of love. We loved our little baby. And we still do. We always will. But it’s important to know that I can’t do anything to change what happened. And dwelling on it will only make me more miserable.
February 11th, 2017 I got a positive on a pregnancy test and my life changed forever. march 22nd, 2017 we were told our baby’s heart was no longer beating and our lives changed forever.
Now that I’ve rediscovered my blog, I’ve realized I’ve not written about Hud. I guess I was too busy experiencing motherhood and loving every second of it. Hudson Neal is the absolute best thing to ever happen to me. He has the most contagious smile/giggle and is so friendly toward everyone he meets. He is 16 months old with 6 tiny teeth and says more and more every day. He surprises me constantly with how smart he is.
Becoming a mom has truly changed me. It’s led me to be more patient, caring and just really opened up my heart to its full potential of loving. It isn’t easy, by any means. There have been countless sleepless nights full of tears (his and mine) and prayers for strength and patience. There have been times I’ve wondered if I am doing the best I can and whether or not I deserve such a wonderful son.
It’s easy to doubt yourself, especially as a mom. These days Instagram is full of gorgeous pictures of mothers who seem to have it all together with five kids in tow and it just baffles me. In my times of worry though, I sit back and think of my son.
He is head over heels for his mommy. When I get home from work he runs as fast as he can to me. If I’m doing dishes, he comes up behind me and hugs my legs. He blows me kisses and smiles the sweetest smile while waving at me just because he wants to say hi.
Hudson makes leaving home hard and coming home something I look forward to. I miss him when I’m gone and I’d rather spend every second of every day with him, than anywhere else.
Through the toughness of this past week, Hudson has been my beacon in the darkness. He is so unaware of what’s happened, it’s refreshing to just be around such a happy, incredible baby. In my times of doubt and depression, I know the God has a plan for us and though I mourn my beloved angel baby, Hudson is proof that God has not forsaken me.
It’s been 6 days since I found out about our baby not having a heart beat and 5 since my surgery. We spent the weekend at the beach with my family who made an effort to not talk about it and try to keep me happy and occupied.
It’s hard. Every second of the day I feel the emptiness. Nighttime is the hardest though. When I lay down with Zack and just cry and let him hold me until I stop weeping. When he looks at me and tells me he loves me I cry harder. I miss knowing that I’m growing a baby to share our love with. I miss last week, before I found out. When I could plan for the future, wonder what day I would be welcoming my second child into the world. I miss it.
I wanted to write my baby a letter to get what’s in my heart, in writing.
I hope you’ve found Neene and Sherry and that they’re taking the best care of you and only telling you good stories of your mommy. I hope you know how much your mommy and daddy loved you already. I hope you know that your brother would’ve helped you have the best life and I know that the two of you giggling together would’ve been the absolute best sound.
I want you to know that no matter how much time goes by, we will never forget you. You are and will always be loved beyond measure. You grew in my womb for 10 weeks and I loved every second, no matter how sick I may have been. Learning that your sweet little heart was no longer beating was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to let sink in. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, I’d barely said hello.
I wanted to see all your firsts. I wanted to watch as you smiled for the first time and said your first word. I wanted to hold you, to kiss you, to cuddle and cry with you. I wanted to be your mommy. I wanted to love you in person, but since I’m unable to do so, loving your spirit will have to do.
This world is a cruel, mean place and it can surely be scary at times. But I’ve learned that if you surround yourself with people who love you and constantly lift you higher, you can get through anything. I will never get “over” being without you, but I know that I will get through the pain. I will love you ’til the day I die and get to meet you and I hope you will look over us down here.
Dear angel, we love you so much and we miss you more than anything. Everyone keeps saying time will make it easier but I know I’ll never go a day without thinking of you and what we could’ve had. I hope you opened your eyes to God and are resting peacefully. I hope it’s beautiful where you are and I want you to know that daddy and I will love you forever.
I am just so sad. Today I had my D&E and Dr. Delcharco removed my baby from me. I am in so much pain, I woke up from the anesthesia crying and asking for chapstick. I threw up at the surgery center when I got out of bed. Zack got me a sandwich, fruit and a cookie from McAlister’s on the way home. I felt ok when I got out of the car but once I started walking down the hall I passed out and woke up on the floor. I only remember having my hand on the wall to steady myself and then waking up to zack asking if I’m ok. He caught me when I fell. I got to bed and threw up again.
I was able to keep down my food and am watching Pitch Perfect and planning my tattoo for my unborn baby. I am just so sad. I can’t even begin to believe I’m not pregnant anymore and that all the things I’ve been planning… names, finding a double stroller, getting a maternity bathing suit for the keys… it’s all just gone now.
I know time will ease the pain and I know my next pregnancy should go perfectly fine. But I just can’t believe this has happened. I went to my appt so confident and excited and I left feeling like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. I’m so sad for my baby and I’m so sad for my husband. I’m so sad for me. I wanted that baby and loved it so much and I never got to even tell it. I just don’t understand why this had to happen to my sweet baby.
Nothing prepares you for death. Absolutely nothing. No matter how many people you’ve known that have passed away, it doesn’t make another life lost any easier.
Our baby has no heartbeat. Typing this is killing me. We went in for our first appt today and I’d managed to snag an ultrasound even though it isn’t customary at this point in a pregnancy at that Dr. We went in and the tech took some photos and left the room. The baby wasn’t moving nor did we get to hear a heartbeat. I knew in the pit of my stomach something was wrong- but I’d never have admitted it.
When they came in and told me that my baby had no heartbeat I just couldn’t stay composed. I can’t put into words how I felt and feel. Nothing anybody says can change this feeling. I know how common miscarriages are. I know it happened for a reason. I know I have one healthy child whom I should be thankful for. I know.
But I love this baby more than life itself. The second I saw the positive test I fell in love. I planned for its future. I pictured it with Hudson, I gave it a name and argued about the boy name with its father. A part of me is dead. Literally. I have a dead baby inside of me and I can’t fathom it.
This isn’t supposed to happen to us. We were supposed to see a little baby wiggling around in my tummy and laugh and cry with excitement knowing that in October we would be meeting it. I cannot wrap my head around this tragedy. I had absolutely no signs pointing toward this.
I don’t know what to say to people who are worried about me. I don’t know what to say to my husband. I don’t know what to say to myself. I feel like I’m in a nightmare and I wish more than anything I could wake up and see my sweet baby moving around and hear it’s sweet heartbeat.
Pregnancy… Such a wonderful word. It truly is a miracle for two people to be able to create one tiny human. We all know that the pregnant woman’s belly gets big, then bigger, and then otherworldly enormous. We know that the baby starts as a dot on a screen and then grows into a Jackfruit (whatever that is). Babies in utero are compared to food, animals and household objects. You can literally change what you want yours to be compared to on different pregnancy apps. There are many things people know about pregnancy, but there are also many, many things people don’t know.
What people don’t tell you about could be written in a 500 page book. But I’ll just write the top 9 things that I can remember (which may not be much because of pregnancy brain). But I’ll get to that later on.
- Gas. Hole e crap. Did I eat a horse that had been rotting on the side of the road for a month or what? During the 9.5 months of my pregnancy I think I had more flatulance than the entire 24 years of my life. The stench, frequency and power of those pregnancy farts, for lack of a better term, were one for the books. One time, I was walking down the stairs at work, during my first trimester, and let one go. Not long after my boss walked up the stairs. I thought for sure he would faint or die… But nah. Sorry Matt!
- Frequent urination. Okay, we’ve all heard that pregnant women pee a lot. What they don’t tell you is that a lot means possibly up to 10 times in 30 minutes. I am not exaggerating. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I would go pee, go sit on the couch and stand right back up to pee again. No lie. I needed a freakin’ catheter. I peed when I puked. I peed when I sneezed. I peed when I coughed and I peed when I laughed. Oh wait, I still do!
- Appetite. Better ask for a pay raise or sell a kidney to afford the food you want and/or need to eat. I gained an insane 60lbs during my pregnancy. Most likely due to my multiple times a week trips to Zaxby’s. Or the fact that McDonald’s was the one thing I could eat and not puke. Naturally, I ate the 10 piece nugget meal AND a hamburger (no pickle) with sweet n sour sauce on everything. I would eat my meal at a restaurant and then finish my husbands. How did my baby NOT come out a full grown 150lb man? He was 6lb10oz. Guess who gets to lose the remaining weight? Ha.
- The boobs. The first thing I noticed was off in the beginning of my pregnancy was my boobs. They HURT. The boob soreness was ridiculous. It felt like someone had used them as punching bags instead of fun bags over and over and over again. I couldn’t even gently touch them without wincing. Then, after the sore period, they got heavy. Pretty sure they each totaled 20lbs. I’d lift one up then let it fall and almost topple over with it. No, not really, because they still hurt. My boobs have always been big, but good lord those things were huge towards the end. “Hey Pamela, I mean Olivia, it’s me your old bras. Sorry you’ll never wear me again.”
- Physical inabilities. Right around month 6 (?) I became incapable of seeing anything past my belly button. People always laugh about not being able to see their feet, but in reality you can’t see anything down there. Your legs, vajayjay… Feet. Goodbye clean-shaven legs! It was nice knowing you! My razors felt neglected, besides my arms and arm pits (and of course my “happy trail” bc lord know you get lots of hair in unusual places!) My poor husband mistook me for Chewbaca on more than one occasion. And I’m pretty sure Thatcher, my weenie dog, got caught in the leg hair a few times. Anyways, when you really start to get rotund, the pretty stuff goes out the window. It’s a task to do your hair and makeup, and eventually find cute clothes that fit. You start to feel like a walking Boulder with arms and legs.
- Morning sickness. Now, with all things pregnancy related, morning sickness is different for everyone. For me, it was Hell. I started puking anything and everything around 6 weeks. People’s advice came as regularly as your feelings of nausea. “Eat this, try that”. Well, sorry but if I see another cracker I’m going to blow a gasket. After 2 ER visits, I was diagnosed with HG, hyperimisis gravardium or something to that nature. I was prescribed the morning sickness medication that Kim Kardashian instagrammed and made cool, Diclegis. It. Was. A. Lifesaver.
- Swelling. Before I got preggo, I was pretty tiny. Though, I am a female and thought I was fat, looking back I realize I was the opposite. During my pregnancy, my husband and I went to the mall. I wore a pair of Gap sandals that I loved and had worn before. While walking around, I began to get super uncomfortable. Looking at my feet I realized that they were about twice their normal size and the straps were digging into my skin and making my pinky toes bleed. Uhh ok? The worse part of the swelling hit me at 37 weeks. My face was the size of a bale of hay (it mirrored my huge belly!) and my ankles were cankles! Pretty sure my thigh just ran straight down to my enormous feet. I looked like an extremely pale version of Veronica blown up like a blueberry in Willy Wonka.
- Clumsiness. I have about a 2.5 inch scar on my left ankle from shaving back when I could actually see my calves. It looks like a surgery scar. I tripped over my dog on numerous occasions. One time, I was walking across the driveway to get into Zack’s car and I stepped off and cut open the side of my foot on the edge of the driveway. Pregnancy clumsiness is real. And it’s a real pain in the ass.
- Pregnancy brain. Probably towards the end of my second trimester I began forgetting things. Everything. I was once at breakfast (imagine that) and asked what kind of toast I wanted. I could not remember the name of it so I said “it’s white toast but it isn’t called white toast.” Oh… sourdough. Like, really? I have never been scatterbrained, have always been on top of things, but this was a whole new world. I started a note in my phone of things I needed to remember because I would literally forget 5 minutes after the initial thought. Did I put deodorant on this morning? How many weeks am I? What is my wedding anniversary? The questions were never ending and I was a pregnant idiot! Oh, and I hate to spoil it for you, but it DOESN’T GO AWAY!
I know 9 is kind of a random number of things to write but I just kept thinking of more. I could go on, but I’ll leave you with these. Pregnancy really is an absolutely beautiful thing. Going through all the bad stuff only leads you to the best part, your baby! All the farts, memory loss, hairy legs/vajay and money spent on food is worth it. Now, I will leave you with a beginning of pregnancy photo and an end photo. Enjoy.